It was cute when they were little. Two little boys, blonde hair messed by the wind, flying down the hill in a race to the bottom. They looked like best friends. Adult sibling rivalry? No way! These little guys would grow up as mates.
Those same little boys proved that their rivalry was alive and well, racing each other to the top of the big tree where they had built a cubby house.
“Beat you!” the victor would yell, and that would inevitably set the scene for the next race or the next display of skill or strength. And the next fight.
And fight they did. Their mother tried everything to help them get along better. Sometimes it worked for a little while, but before long, they were back to their competitive ways. Each one wanted to be first. Each one was driven to be better, faster or stronger than the other.
Who Gets the Girl?
Teenage years came and went. This time, the rivalry was about girls. Jealousy erupted on numerous occasions as each sought the attention of the same girl. Rivalry erupted over their first cars. Their choice of career. Each one wanted to better the other. Neither wanted to concede defeat.
Their mother did, though. By the time they were in their thirties, she resigned herself to the fact that they would never get along. Brotherly love would never be a hallmark of their family tree. Those boys of hers were just not going to ever like each other. End of story.
It broke her heart and left her wondering what she had done wrong as a parent.
Family Occasions: Cutting the Air, not the Cake
Family occasions were strained and tense, and the brothers had learned that the best way of avoiding conflict was to avoid each other. Adult sibling rivalry had claimed another family.
Is this the way it is destined to end if sibling rivalry turns into adult envy? Is there anything you can do about it if you are in some way involved in a situation where sibling rivalry has continued into adulthood?
Can Adult Sibling Rivalry Be Mended?
The short answer is – yes. Is it possible to repair every broken sibling relationship? Probably not. Each side has to be willing to build bridges and repair damage, and often that means accepting that you are flawed, that you haven’t handled the relationship as well as you could have, and that maybe you need to apologize.
Not everyone is ready to take these steps; it’s painful and confronting. But even if you think the other side is unwilling to reconcile, there are still things you can do to take small steps in the right direction.
Adult sibling rivalry is one of the most common reasons for family dysfunction, yet it is one of the least addressed. Family members are reluctant to talk about the elephant in the room, or the reasons for it being there, instead preferring to tiptoe around each other, walking on eggshells all their lives rather than risk the conflict of confronting the problem.
Confronting the Issue
Psychologist and author Jeanne Safer recommends confronting the issue head-on and getting it out in the open. Problems can’t be solved when everyone is determined to keep them out of sight. What does that actually look like in practice?
Women are more likely to be less direct and confrontational, resulting in passive-aggressive behaviour, and they are also more likely to talk about the problem. Men, on the other hand, are much more openly confrontational about what is between them, but less likely to talk about it or acknowledge it verbally. So when it comes to initiating reconciliation in an adult sibling rivalry situation, men and women often handle things differently.
Tips For Healing Adult Sibling Rivalry
Look in the mirror
Take a good, honest look at your own part in your adult sibling rivalry situation. What would an outsider see in you? How do you think your sibling sees you? Is there anything valid in that view? It’s often painful and confronting to look at ourselves this way, but if you are serious about mending a broken relationship with your sibling, honesty has to come first.
Be prepared to confront the problem
As Dr Safer suggests, if you are able to, confront the issue head-on with your sibling, and other family members if appropriate. Getting it out in the open can be uncomfortable, confronting, and even downright scary as we risk making ourselves vulnerable and opening up old wounds, but it’s a necessary step for healing to occur.
Speak up
You might be surprised at how others see the issue: it’s even possible that no one knows it’s a problem, and you might find they are willing to make changes once you voice your concerns. Even if that doesn’t happen, getting it out there still needs to occur before you can move on to the next step.
Actions speak louder than words
If you are unable to talk about the issue with family members or your sibling, gestures count: make a friendly gesture that says that you are willing to build bridges. It might be a simple offer of babysitting or an invitation to a fishing trip. Either way, it says that you are willing to repair the relationship. You might need to repeat the offer several times for your sibling to realize that you really do have honest motives.
Express the positives
Think of the things you like about your sibling – remember the good times you had together, and think of the positives they have brought to your life. Then be prepared to express those things. Tell them why you respect or admire them, or bring back some fond memories of things you did together. When compliments are sincere and the sentiments expressed are honest, it goes a long way to disarming a defensive person.
Don’t ignore the issue
Acknowledge that it is painful for both of you, but make it clear that you don’t want a stalemate for the rest of your days. What you do want is to move on to a mutually respectful, positive relationship.
Let go of your ideals
Don’t hold onto what “should have been.” Accept that the past is imperfect and be ready to move on to a future that’s better. Sibling rivalry might have defined your past as children, but adult sibling rivalry doesn’t have to dictate your future.
Forgive
Forgiveness is about letting go of what should have been, in order for healing to occur for yourself. Be sure to forgive yourself, too. Acknowledge any actions that contributed to the situation you are now in, and any blame you hold against yourself. Accept that perhaps your part in this has been less than ideal, and forgive yourself.
Be prepared to make the first move
This takes its own kind of courage, and that in itself will speak to your sibling.
Apologize for any hurt you have caused
This too, will speak volumes and go a long way towards mending your relationship.
Adult Sibling Rivalry: Mended And Ended
It doesn’t have to be lifelong war or a distant relationship where there is little or no contact for long periods of time. But it does require that someone be willing to let go of self enough to reach out to the other person, and to a degree, success depends on both parties being willing to mend the relationship. When that happens, you gain a friend: one who knows you almost better than anyone else. That’s a worthy aim in anyone’s book.
For further reading:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-brenoff/sibling-rivalry-never-dies_b_1184429.html
http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702304724404577291432292777576