You’ve dreamed of it all your life. When you were little you dressed up as a princess and waited for your handsome prince to come and carry you off to his castle. Or perhaps your dreams were a little less medieval: a handsome cowboy rides up on his beautiful white steed and you gallop off into the sunset together. Either way, your dreams involved finding The One.
A friend of mine was a classic example of the above scenario. When we were little she would endlessly initiate games of weddings and babies and marital bliss. She longed to be married and be a mum, even at the tender age of six. We held a wedding in a hayshed once. She was the bride, and one of the other girls was the “groom.” They went through the wedding ceremony (forgoing the kiss!) and exchanged “rings” made of strands of hay twisted together. She married at sixteen, and as far as I know, still lives in wedded bliss.
Even if your childhood dreams were more pragmatic, chances are, at some point in your life, you have wondered about finding The One. That person who is a perfect match for you. Your soulmate. This is the one you long to be with forever, the one who takes away that inexplicable ache deep within when you see others happily enjoying coupledom. It is the one who will fulfil all your dreams of love and romance and all that goes with it. This is the person who makes you feel complete. It’s wired into us and reinforced by society, which somehow sees us as inferior in some way if we never do manage to snag The One.
We ladies want to be loved, pursued and desired. Romance and adventure await us with The One, we think. We build exquisite mind pictures of what we think this romantic journey will look like, sometimes down to the last little detail. And then we wait. Or perhaps set about trying to make our dreams a reality. The One must be out there somewhere, we reason. I just need to wait a little longer, or try a little harder, or be a little thinner, or be…(you fill in the blanks).
POP! Goes The Bubble
Well, I’m here to tell you, The One doesn’t exist. Or at least, not the way we imagine him. You see, The One is made, not found. Sure, there are definitely things like personality, values, lifestyle and physical attraction to consider. These things are really important. I’m not saying that you can make every single available man into The One. That would be ludicrous.
But how often do we throw away a diamond because it looks like a rock? How often do we use our dream of The One to measure The Available? Chances are, when we do that, they will fail, and we will toss them away and keep looking. We will keep looking till we are weary and disillusioned, yet still unwilling to relinquish our dreams of perfection.
Let me ask you: are you perfect? I know I’m not. And I’m sure most women out there would acknowledge that perfection has eluded them, too. Guess what. He is not perfect either. You know, The One. The One you dream about. The One who will bring to reality those dreams that live deep inside your heart. The truth is, he is flawed. He has bad habits and quirky bits and maybe even imperfect looks. There are days when he gets it wrong and has forgettable moments. There might even be occasions when he is hard to live with.
In our pursuit of perfection, we might see his flaws and cast him aside. He doesn’t make me happy, we tell ourselves. He can’t be right for me. He’s too… And we go on looking, never quite being content in the present moment with what we have because our soulmate might be just over the horizon.
Entitled To The Perfect Romance
We live in an era that has given us great expectations. We are constantly being told you can have it all. The perfect house, the perfect career, the perfect partner. Social media reinforces our dreams of shiny perfection. Romantic books and movies feed the pictures in our minds of what our lives should look like. Everyone else has it all, we tell ourselves. Why not me? Why isn’t it happening for me? I’ve been told over and over that I deserve the dream life and the perfect man. So why are my dreams not a reality for me? We become discouraged and unhappy when we see others enjoying the things that we want, and we wonder why life is being so unfair.
The truth is, just as there is no such thing as the perfect man, there is no such thing as the perfect life or the perfect romance either. Living in an imperfect world automatically negates perfection. We have a choice: we can hold onto our shiny dreams of perfection, and live forever in the valley of discontent, or we can let them go and accept reality.
Reality Is…
It’s hard letting go of dreams sometimes, especially when they have been a part of you for a long time. It feels as if you are saying goodbye to a piece of your identity. But there is only room for one focus in your life. You can’t focus on fantasy and reality at the same time. One exists at the expense of the other. Acknowledge your dreams as an important part of your journey – grieve their loss, if you need to. Then embrace reality and be prepared for the unexpected. Life never happens exactly the way we plan it!
The One Is Made, Not Found
Yes, that’s right, The One is made, not found. Am I suggesting that you immediately take your rough diamond and knock him into shape? Kiss your toad and hope he becomes a prince? Not for a moment! He becomes The One when YOU decide to stop looking over the horizon for Mr Perfect to show up. He becomes The One when you decide that you’re going to commit to this relationship no matter what. When you decide that regardless of his flaws and imperfections and all the things that annoy or irritate you, you’re in it for the long haul, then he becomes Mr Right. Even when things get hard but you decide you’re going to stick around anyway – that’s when he becomes your prince. You are the only one who can decide that you will do whatever it takes to build lasting romance, intimacy, and commitment.
(Please note: emotional or physical abuse does NOT qualify as a minor flaw or imperfection. It is a serious issue that requires professional help. You shouldn’t “just put up with it” because you have decided to commit to the relationship).
That’s not to say that you can’t grow along the way and encourage him to grow with you: all healthy relationships experience growth and change. What I’m talking about here is the fundamental bedrock of commitment that begins with the decision that this is it: there are no other options. He is The One because you are going to work at it together, even if it gets hard or temptation crosses your path.
Appearance Matters
I came across an interesting post on social media recently, not because of its content, but because it offered an insight into the way humans respond to certain situations. A woman complained that she couldn’t meet any kind, committed men – only ones out for a good time. The comments that followed revealed what other people thought the problem was: she dressed in a manner that suggested that she was only after a good time herself. A quick scan of her profile revealed a lot of scanty clothing and provocative poses.
A number of men who were following her post commented that they were committed, family-oriented men and that her habit of showing off her body said two things to them. One, that if she were their partner, they wouldn’t want her body on public display for the gratification of everyone else, and two, that they would be concerned that she wouldn’t be committed, and would be seeking attention from other men. They also told her that if she used sex to portray herself, she would attract men who were only interested in what she was advertising. I didn’t say it – they did. This impromptu little social experiment on Facebook highlighted the importance of appearance: rightly or wrongly, people assess your character by the way you portray yourself.
Meeting The One
If you’re having trouble meeting someone who might be Mr Right, ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I the kind of person that I want to attract? Like attracts like, especially when it comes to intangibles such as values, beliefs, your worldview, and integrity.
- Is there any inconsistency in the kind of person I want to attract and the kind of person I’m portraying myself to be?
- Am I looking in the right places for the kind of person I’m seeking? Often, the usual venues for meeting people simply result in meeting Mr Wrong. Think outside the square – get involved in community projects or join a community organization as an alternative to the pub or the club. Like attracts like, remember. You never know, Mr Right might be found digging potatoes in the community garden! Or teaching youngsters to swim at the local pool.
- Am I being myself? Sometimes, we are so concerned about finding Mr Right that we forget to relax and be ourselves. If he really is Mr Right, he will find the real you charming and irresistible. Relax and have fun!
- Am I seeking the right qualities in a man? Good looks, money, and having fun together are great, but if that’s the main basis of the relationship, it lacks a solid foundation that will stand the test of time. Qualities like integrity, loyalty and honesty are important foundations for love that lasts.
From Mr Perfect To Mr Right
Yes, happily ever after CAN come our way. As we have all heard before, anything worth having requires sacrifice – what are we willing to give up? Our dreams of perfection? If the answer is yes, the illusion of Mr Perfect morphs into the reality of Mr Right, and we can be content in knowing that our days of searching are over. Then we will be able to make the best of what we have and be happy with the life we are living.
That’s it, ladies. Sweet and simple. 🙂
For further reading:
https://chelseadamon.com/why-my-husband-was-never-the-one/
http://leoniedawson.com/soulmates/