She couldn’t believe it. Here he was. The man who had lied to her, used her, betrayed her trust and broken her heart. The hurt was so deep that she found herself in tears nearly every day. She just couldn’t seem to heal. Now, when confronted with the way his actions had affected her, he’d tossed a half – hearted “sorry” in her direction, just to get her off his back. Then he proceeded to justify his behaviour and make excuses for his actions. She had longed for this day. She desperately wanted him to say sorry, to make things right, to repair the relationship. But sorry, when it came, was not enough. She was bitterly disappointed. He didn’t know how to apologize well – or didn’t want to.
When Sorry Is Not Enough
When you’ve been hurt, whether a little or a lot, the natural reaction is to want the other person to acknowledge your experience of being hurt as a consequence of their behaviour. You want them to make it right, to acknowledge wrongdoing, and, depending on the circumstances, to make changes so it doesn’t happen again. You want to see contrition, regret or remorse for the pain you have suffered at their hands.
But why do we often feel that whatever has been said or done to address the situation is not enough? Why do we have this nagging sense that something is lacking? After the sorry has been said, why are we still unfulfilled, incomplete, and disappointed?
Sincerity Is King
For the majority of people, the most convincing apology comes with some evidence that the apologizer is sincere. Most of us need to be convinced that the apology is genuine. The problem is, sincerity appears in different forms to different people. What appears to be a genuine apology to one person might feel totally irrelevant to someone else. Knowing how to apologize effectively means knowing the types of apology that are the most meaningful to other people.
So, is it possible to chart a safe course through the murky waters of apology?
The Five Languages Of Apology
According to communication experts and authors Gary Chapman and Jennifer Turner, yes, it is. In their book, The Five Languages of Apology, they say “…there are five fundamental aspects of an apology. We call them the five languages of apology. Each of them is important. But for a particular individual, one or two of the languages may communicate more effectively than the others. The key to good relationships is learning the apology language of the other person and being willing to speak it.”
So what are these five fundamental elements of apology?
EXPRESSING REGRET
This includes “I’m sorry,” and it what most of us think of when we think of apology. But it goes beyond “I’m sorry.” Someone who needs to hear this kind of apology will also want to hear specifics (“I’m sorry for…”). And the more detailed, the better! They want to see that the apologizer understands the impact of the offence, and expresses regret over specific details. Body language conveys sincerity – they may want the apologizer to look them in the eye while apologizing, for example. They might also be looking for a request for forgiveness. When it’s all said and done, this person wants the offender to identify with their pain and suffering, and show some remorse.
ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
Some people struggle to admit wrongdoing – yet it’s the thing that others need to hear the most. People who avoid taking responsibility have a tendency to place blame outside of themselves – they blame circumstances, other people, and even the weather! Yet, in a situation that requires an apology, some people need to hear “I was wrong” more than anything else. They need to see that the offender understands that what he or she did was wrong. For these people, an apology just isn’t complete without hearing those words.
MAKING RESTITUTION
The idea of “making restitution” or “righting a wrong” is as old as humanity itself. People who need to hear this aspect of an apology want to see something in return for what they have suffered. In the case of a less personal relationship, this could take the form of replacing or restoring something that has been broken or damaged – a possession, perhaps. In a closer relationship, it would also include non tangibles such as taking steps to clear a slur on someone’s good name. And at the heart of intimate relationships resides the question, “Do you still love me?” In a close relationship, this can be tricky, because something that expresses love to one person can mean little to another. It’s important to listen carefully in order to discover the most meaningful way of expressing love, especially in a situation that requires an apology.
GENUINELY REPENTING
Real repentance means to “turn around” or “change one’s mind.” In an apology setting, this means recognizing destructive behaviour and the harm it’s causing to the other person, and making a sincere and determined effort to change. Particularly in the case of repetitive behaviour, an individual who needs to hear this element of apology will want to see positive steps taken to correct the behaviour – including a plan for implementing the changes. (This form of apology needs time to be effective, and everyone involved needs to remember that genuine change takes time, and that failures are likely along the way. Part of the plan will include strategies for dealing with failures and moving on). Nevertheless, knowing how to apologize effectively means demonstrating genuine repentance.
REQUESTING FORGIVENESS
According to Chapman and Thomas, 21 per cent of us need to hear an offender ask for forgiveness. An apology means little unless we hear those words. Why is it so important? For some, a request for forgiveness indicates a desire for the restoration of the relationship. For others, a request for forgiveness is an admission of guilt. It shows them that the offender is aware of the impact of the offence, and that condemnation or punishment is deserved.
IN THE HOT SEAT
If you’re like virtually every other person on the planet (the exception might be a monk who spends his life sitting on top of a pole!), there will be times in life when you have to apologize. Most people don’t intentionally cause pain or inconvenience to others, but in an imperfect world, offences happen. How we handle the situation afterwards has a big impact on our relationships and even our future happiness. Yet many of us don’t apologize well, if at all. How to apologize effectively is worth knowing as it can smooth out the difficult parts of our lives.
Reasons We Avoid Apologies
- Associating wrongdoing with being “bad”, leading to feelings of low self esteem and failure. By avoiding the admission of guilt, the bad feelings are avoided as well.
- An unwillingness to face the need to change. Change can be difficult, painful, and emotionally costly, and some people are unwilling to face the challenge.
- Fear of rejection. Asking forgiveness exposes our weaknesses and failings, and the potential for rejection is high, especially if the other person has been badly hurt. There is also the real possibility that an apology will be rejected, leading to a stalemate in the situation or relationship.
- Fear of failure. Admitting guilt can feel like failure, especially if it involves our moral beliefs or we have let another person down.
- Fear of losing control. Those who like to be in control can feel as if asking forgiveness places control of the situation or relationship in the hands of the other person, and that is a very uncomfortable place to be.
- The relationship is not valuable enough to be worth the bother of an apology. When someone doesn’t value the relationship highly, it’s often easier to let it go than to put effort into working on it.
- The pride factor. Sometimes people don’t want to look bad in the eyes of others, or feel that they have an image to maintain or a reputation to protect. Being humble enough to apologize is not part of this plan, so apologies rarely happenl
- Not knowing how to apologize effectively and fearing to try.
AVOIDING SOME COMMON PITFALLS
If you’re in a situation where you need to apologize (and let’s face it, we’ve all been there!), avoiding some of the common traps can mean the difference between an effective apology and one that is rejected, or fails in its aim of restoring the relationship. How to apologize well is an essential life skill if you want to make the best of your relationships.
Be Sincere
Be sincere in your desire to apologize. The other person will most likely see through an insincere or half – hearted apology, and this could further damage the relationship. Apologizing just to placate the other person will also be seen as insincere or fake. Knowing how to apologize well means being sincere.
Don’t apologize, then blame the other person for provoking the offence. “I’m sorry, but…”(it was still your fault in some way) reeks of insincerity, especially for a person who needs to hear you take responsibility for your behaviour. Make sure you take full responsibility for the offence – and don’t try to pass off the blame to someone or something else. Knowing how to apologize sincerely also means that you take responsibility for your actions.
Make sure your body language conveys your message. Look the other person in the eye, or be prepared to give a hug, if appropriate. These things are powerful symbols of sincerity to some people. It is important to recognize that body language means a lot to some people when you want to know how to apologize effectively.
Don’t give up if you fall and fail. Look at what is at stake if you give up? Your marriage? Important relationships? Family ties? Work? Standing in the community? You owe it to yourself and others to keep going until you succeed in your goals of changing. When you give up after a failure, your apology will be seen as insincere and empty. Knowing how to apologize effectively includes persisting even if you have a failure.
Own Your Behaviour
Avoid manipulating the other person into a reciprocal apology. Accept that they might not be ready to apologize (if indeed they need to), and focus on the main issue at hand: your own behaviour. An apology with “strings attached” often doesn’t feel like an apology at all, and is unlikely to initiate feelings of forgiveness or reconciliation.
Don’t apologize – then refuse to change. Future apologies will carry little or no credibility, and your relationships may suffer irreparable damage. Go all the way. Commit to the process and see it through.
Respect the Other Person’s Perspective
Make sure that when you ask for forgiveness, it is a request, not a demand. Recognize that forgiveness might not be instantly granted, especially if the offence is major. When you demand forgiveness and it’s not immediately granted, it can appear to the other person that you are judgmental and perhaps trying to make them feel guilty for not forgiving you right away. Placing that kind of pressure on the other person will rarely result in the outcome you want. Forgiveness should always be a request, not a demand. Knowing how to apologize effectively includes respecting the other person’s right to reject your apology.
Understand that when you ask for forgiveness, it is no small thing you are asking of the other person. You are asking them to give up their desire for justice, and relinquish their feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger. And sometimes, they have to continue to live with the consequences of your wrong against them. So be patient, and understand that it might take some time to process your request. Also understand that in the end, you have no say in the outcome: the other person can choose not to forgive you at all. Knowing how to apologize also means knowing how to accept “no” from someone who is not ready to forgive you.
HOW TO APOLOGIZE EFFECTIVELY
There is no “magic bullet” that will solve all problems with a few well chosen words. However, with a bit of care, a well – crafted apology will be effective in many cases. There are just a few important points to consider.
- If you know the language of apology favoured by the other person, create your apology with strong reference to that language.
- If you’re unsure about the other person’s language, include elements from all of the languages. Be sure to include:
- I’m sorry, and other expressions of regret.
- Details of what you’re sorry for, paying particular attention to the emotional impact of the offence.
- Pay attention to what your body language is saying.
- Accept responsibility for your actions, no ifs, buts, or blame. Admit wrongdoing.
- Make restitution if possible – this could include physical restoration of an item, or time as repayment for a wrong, or admission of wrongdoing to others not directly involved in the conflict.
- Show genuine repentance by making a plan to change any offensive behavior – and stick to it!
- Ask for forgiveness, without expecting anything in return.
Five Elements of Apology
Thus, an apology that combines all five of the fundamental elements of apology could look like this:
“I’m sorry I swore at you and called you names in front of our friends. I can see how hurt and humiliated you were, and how you just wanted to leave right away. I am deeply ashamed of hurting you, and I don’t blame you for being angry with me. It was wrong on my part, and I have no excuses for my behavior. I would like to make it up to you by apologizing to our friends for the way I treated you, and I really want to change so I never hurt you like that again. I’d like you to help me make a plan for changing, and help me stay on track, if you want to. Will you forgive me for hurting you?”
SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW TO APOLOGIZE FROM GARY CHAPMAN AND JENNIFER TURNER
- I know now that I hurt you very deeply. That causes me immense pain. I am sorry for what I did.
- You were disappointed in me and I feel really bad. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.
- I know that what I did was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse. Pure and simple, what I did was selfish and wrong.
- I repeated a mistake that we’ve discussed before and I really messed up. It was my fault.
- Is there anything I can do to make up for what I’ve done?
- I regret that I’ve damaged your good name. May I make a (public) correction?
- I really do want to change. I know I’m not going to be perfect, but I really want to try to change this behavior. Would you be willing to remind my if I revert to my old patterns? Just say “relapse.” I think that will help me to stop and change direction.
- I let you down by making the same mistake again. What would it take for you to begin to rebuild your trust in me?
- I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. I know it was loud and harsh. You didn’t deserve that. It was very wrong of me, and I want to ask you to forgive me.
- I know that what I did hurt you very deeply. You have every right to never speak to me again, but I am truly sorry for what I did. And I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
WHEN THE DUST SETTLES
Apologies are never easy. They can be painful, confronting, and uncomfortable. No one wants to look bad, admit to selfish behavior, or run the risk of rejection. It’s often easier to ignore the issue.
But at the bottom of our hearts, in the dead of night, it’s there. That nagging feeling of unease that says we need to address the wrongs done to someone else.
I don’t know about you, but I would rather sleep in peace, knowing that I’ve done all I can to leave no scars on another heart.
For more information on this topic:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/
Source:
The Five Languages Of Apology, Gary Chapman & Jennifer Turner (Note: A recent revision of this book is now titled “When Sorry Is Not Enough”)