“Don’t touch that!”
“Stay away from there!”
“Stop running around before you knock something over!”
We were at Great Grandma’s house, surrounded by all her treasures. Most of them breakable. The kids tried hard to be good. They really did. They sat still for as long as they possibly could, in Great Grandma’s formal lounge room, with its imposing grandfather clock, immaculate furniture, and portraits of various relatives staring down from every wall. But, they were only two and four, and they were not allowed to touch ANYTHING. Not even the balloon that came with the flowers Grandma had recently received.
So they began to fidget. And make noises. It became more boisterous. Daddy growled at them. Mum tried to shush them. Nanna tried to distract them. And Great Grandma told them to sit still. And don’t touch. Good kids, bad kids? The line was starting to blur in the minds of some of the adults present.
Daddy was starting to get cranky with them, so it was a relief when he and Nanna and Great Grandma went to the kitchen. All of a sudden, Uncle Steve grabbed a cushion from the couch, threw it on the floor, and began jumping up and down on it.
“What are you doing?” Aunty Jane asked in horror, as the kids watched on in open mouthed fascination.
“That’s what I think of the rules!” he replied. “People have got their priorities wrong when all these precious things are more important than family!” He jumped on the cushion again. All 95 kg and 6 feet of him. It was such a ridiculous sight that I had to smother the mirth that bubbled up.
“Steve! You’re setting a bad example to the kids!” Jane scolded. He gave the cushion one final punishing blow.
“The kids need to learn that people are more important than things too!” he retorted. Jane swooped on the cushion and fluffed it up. She managed to get it back on the couch just in time. Great Grandma came back, none the wiser, and we all got the giggles as we looked at the cushion. The kids thought it was wonderful.
DESTRUCTION IN THE CURTAINS
RRRIP!! THUD! Michael’s foot was tangled in the curtain. It gave way, and he narrowly avoided falling on Rosie, who was asleep in her makeshift bed on the floor. He fumbled around in the dark, trying to untangle himself without waking the whole family.
Morning light revealed the destruction in the dark. The curtain was beyond salvation. It would have to be replaced. Michael went to see Great Grandma number two, who was sleeping in the spare room, having given up her bed for us.
“I’ve wrecked your curtain, Grandma,” he said a bit sheepishly. “I got tangled up in it when I got up in the night, and it’s torn. It will have to be replaced.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” she said. “It was old anyway. It’s not going to bother me.”
“But it’s ruined!” he said. “You won’t be able to use it any more.” She shrugged.
“It doesn’t matter. People are more important than curtains. I’m glad you didn’t get hurt.” (And for the record, we did replace it for her!).
GOOD KIDS, BAD KIDS: A FINE LINE
When treading the inter-generational tightrope, there can be a fine line between setting appropriate standards of behavior for the youngest members of the family, and the oldest members of the family accepting those standards. Sometimes this is a frustrating merry go round of each generation feeling misunderstood by the others. Each family has different ways of handling this tug of war, which will hopefully lead to greater understanding on both sides – but not always. Sometimes families with kids end up avoiding visits with older members of the family because they can’t face the stress of dealing with a disapproving older generation, or because they worry that the kids will misbehave and cause trouble. And sometimes the older generation is just as happy to have the kids visit infrequently or for short periods because of the chaos they cause.
A person’s a person no matter how small.
Dr Seuss
In many families, Grandma has a great relationship with her grandkids. She plays with them, reads to them, spends time with them, and talks to them from the moment they enter her world. She is captivated by them. They are precious treasures from their very first breath. And from their first moment of consciousness, they understand that Grandma loves them. She makes an intentional choice to inhabit their world, and they are delighted to have her there.
This Grandma doesn’t worry about crumbs on the carpet or a spilled glass of milk. Her house was made to be lived in. She wisely places any breakable treasures out of reach, removes any potential dangers, and lets the kids play. She plays hide and seek with them behind the couch. She lets them stretch the curtains over a chair to make a cubby house. She engages in their chatter, kisses their hurts, and pretends there’s a gorilla in the garden, about to chase them all inside.
The grandchildren of this Grandma adore her. They feel secure in her love. They bask in her approval, and shine because she delights in them.
So when it comes to Grandma’s rules, the kids are eager to please her. When she sets boundaries and makes the rules, the kids try to behave well because they love her. For a while, that is. Inevitably, the child who pushes boundaries and buttons will test the waters to see what Grandma will do. When that time comes, this Grandma will deal with the young offender with patience and wisdom. The rules will be upheld, and the child will know there are consequences for breaking them, but will also know that Grandma’s love is unconditional (and that at times, Grandma gets away with spoiling the grandkids!).
LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND
So,what makes the difference between finding inter – generational relationships a challenge or a joy? What makes the difference between good kids, bad kids, in the minds of the older generation?
Love, pure and simple. The kind of love that places great value on relationships, and assigns great worth to each person. This kind of love makes an effort to understand where each person is in their journey through life.
That’s not to say that love doesn’t exist in relationships which are more challenging – very often, it does. But perhaps family members don’t know how to express it, and appear more distant. Maybe the older members of the family are more focused on adult relationships and don’t know how to enter a child’s world. Maybe they struggle to relate to children in a manner that the child finds engaging.
I have been blessed to experience the unconditional love of a Grandma who takes delight in each child. Some of my greatest childhood memories are of this love, and I have also been blessed that my own children have been able to get to know this Grandma. She delights in them in the same way she took delight in me as a child. Being loved by a grandparent is one of the greatest treasures of childhood.