Extrovert Vs Introvert: Living With Your Opposite Child

I saw them together regularly. The woman was petite, dark haired, and probably in her late twenties. Her baby was the opposite: big for his age, blonde, and with the cutest chubby little hands.

One day, we got talking about babies and life in general. She had a quiet, calm manner, and seemed perfectly self – contained, not needing to engage with the world around her to be content. An introvert, I guessed.

Her baby was a different story altogether. He craved company. By this time, he was a toddler – one of the most gregarious toddlers I’d ever come across. He was into everything – curious, outgoing, and needing constant movement and stimulation. Unless they were moving, he would grizzle and become unhappy. People fascinated him. He would stalk them with his eyes, try to attract their attention, and if anyone happened to glance his way, he would pounce, showing them a favourite toy or engaging them with his baby prattle. This kid needed people and stimulation the way flowers need the sun.

His poor mum looked tired.

“I love him,” she said, “but he wears me out! He’s always on the go and into everything – he just doesn’t stop!” It was the classic scenario of extrovert vs introvert: her child was her opposite.

Extrovert Vs Introvert

Years ago, Carl Jung developed an hypothesis that each individual could be placed on a scale according to their needs for energy and stimulation. Subsequent studies and PET scans have helped to confirm his research.

An Extrovert:

• Prefers to spend time in the external world of people and things
• Gains energy from interactions with people
• Likes to speak their thoughts as they come to mind
• Likes action and activity and making things happen
• Likes working in groups and has lots of friends
• Likes solving problems by talking about them and listening to what others have to say

An Introvert:

• Lives in an “inner world” of pictures, memories, ideas, and reactions
• Prefers to do things alone or with one or two close friends
• Likes to think before speaking or acting
• Needs time alone to recharge their energy levels
• Prefers to solve problems alone
• Values ideas
• Prefers to know a handful of people well rather than having a large group of friends

It’s In The Wiring

According to Dr Arlene Taylor, speaker and researcher on brain function, it’s in the wiring. Introversion or extroversion can be seen in some babies at birth – the time that our brain energy needs are functioning at optimal levels. Babies in which no distinct behaviour can be identified likely fall into the category of ambiversion – neither extroverted or introverted. Extroverted babies often need less sleep, and are most contented when they are are in the midst of the activity – they like to see and hear what’s happening around them. On the other hand, introverted babies often sleep more, and are content to remain on the sidelines, happy with their own company. These babies are often seen as the more “placid” ones.

As Dr Taylor explains, the complex process of dealing with sensory data begins when it enters the brain stem. The thalamus sends the information on to the cerebrum, where it is decoded, and is sent on to the  Reticular Activating System (RAS), where (in some brains at least), it is altered. In the case of an extroverted brain, the data is reduced in size – kind of like saving your file as a compressed or zipped file on your computer. It takes up less space. This means that the extroverted brain is able to handle a lot of sensory information, and indeed, needs it. With insufficient stimulation, an extrovert may feel irritable, bored, or sleepy.

On the other hand, an introverted brain receives the information from the RAS, where the sensory data is magnified – a little becomes a lot. Too much stimulation can result in the brain becoming quickly overwhelmed, and without sufficient protection from over stimulation, the individual could suffer illness. (In the case of ambiverts, sensory data appears to be largely unchanged – neither magnified nor minimized).

Help! He’s Wearing Me Out!

When parents and children find themselves at opposite ends of the scale, a conflict of needs often occurs in an extrovert vs introvert scenario. Introverted parents often feel exhausted by the needs of an extroverted child, while extroverted parents can fear that an introverted child is “not normal.”

So, what can you do if you are in this situation?

The ABC Of Survival

Awareness:

The more you understand your own needs and those of your child, the better you will be at meeting both. Educate yourself in understanding what makes your child tick, and gain greater awareness of yourself. Read, observe and take every learning opportunity you can. It will pay off!

Balance:

Of course, in every life situation, there is the real and the ideal, but if you are able to achieve a balance between both sets of needs, you and your child will be more contented, and will be able to enjoy each other’s company without feeling as if you’re suffocating with the weight of each other’s needs.

Create:

You can create an environment in which you can both flourish, armed with an understanding of your differing needs, and keeping balance in mind. Most people do operate from their opposite zone at times (ie extroverts occasionally revert to introversion and vice versa), and it can be fun exploring the non – dominant side of your personality. It can also be quite meaningful to your child when you attempt to understand their world and what makes them tick. Experiment with what works for both of you.

Six Strategies For Successful Living With Your Opposite

1. If you’re an introvert, make sure you get some alone time, away from the noise and activity of family life, especially if you have an extroverted child or children. This is not selfishness, it’s necessary for survival! If Mum (or Dad) is stressed, unhappy or not coping, the whole family suffers. Even your health will eventually suffer if you ignore your needs for long enough. Looking after yourself is a vital part of the bigger picture of caring for your family. Go for a walk alone, get up early, or get some alone time after everyone is in bed – do whatever it takes!
2. If you’re an extrovert, tailoring your life around the needs of an introverted child can seem stifling. Get out and about and enjoy your friendships and activities, get your batteries recharged – but remember that balance is key. Pay attention to your introverted child, and work out what works for both of you – it will pay off. Ask yourself – has my child had enough of being active? Does he or she need more quiet time? Do I need to factor some regular time at home into my weekly activities?
3. As an introverted parent, it can be quite tempting to hibernate at home, quite content with your daily life – but this might not work for an extroverted child (obviously, we’re talking about children who are not yet at school here). Make sure that your extroverted child has opportunities for play and friendship with other kids, and stimulating activities at home. You’ll get more peace in the long run if this child’s needs have been met!
4. Ask a friend or family member who is similar to your child to spend some time with him or her – and watch how they get along. Rather than feeling threatened if they develop a good relationship, try to enjoy it, and see it as something that enriches your child’s life – nothing and no one else can ever take the place of a parent. It will be something special to your child – there’s nothing quite like feeling understood by someone like yourself.
5. If you are using daycare for your child, be sensitive to how much is too much, especially for an introverted child. Even extroverted children are still children. They still need unstructured quiet time just to be kids and play by themselves, and too much activity can be overstimulating for them, too. Bear in mind that for an introverted child, a daycare setting can be difficult to cope with in large amounts. Lots of other people and noise and activity can leave an introverted child feeling overwhelmed. Try to come up with some strategies to help this child unwind and relax – little rituals after daycare (or school), set periods of quiet time, listening to quiet music, or looking at a book all might be helpful.
6. When it comes to noise in the home environment, extroverts and introverts are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Extroverts tend to like noise and activity all day long. Music is often loud and energetic. On the other hand, introverts tend to prefer it a lot calmer and quieter, with quieter music and periods of silence. Creating a home environment that suits both is challenging. If you’re an extroverted parent, try enjoying your music with headphones – your introvert child will likely be very grateful! If you’re an introverted parent with an extroverted child, it’s important to allow him or her the opportunity to listen to music too – within limits! Perhaps you could allocate a regular time slot for listening to music. Perhaps you could give yourself some time out while the music is on, and retreat to a quiet place for a while. Or maybe you could even listen to your own music through headphones. It all comes back to being able to balance the needs of the family in a way that cares for everyone. Extrovert vs introvert need not be a war zone!

 

Embrace The Differences

Learn to love the differences! Each person in the family is a unique individual, and the little quirks that are part of that individuality need not annoy or concern us, if we learn to make them part of our lives. Extrovert vs introvert can be fun, as we explore and embrace the differences, and learn to value strengths and qualities in the other person that might be different to our own.