If you’ve got kids, the familiar cry assaults your ears.
“Mum! She took my train!”
“Mum! He’s taunting me!”
“MUUMMM! He took my baby and he won’t give her back!”
Right about now, a comforting vision floats through your weary mum brain. You picture yourself getting out the earplugs hubby uses for mowing the lawn, making a cuppa, and settling down to read your latest book, earplugs firmly in place. The occasional vague shriek breaks through, but you smile an ethereal little smile and keep on reading. You actually don’t care if they fight to the death.
An earsplitting yell erupts near your elbow, and jerks you back to reality. No earplugs in sight. You’re going to have to deal with it. Again. Sound familiar?
PIGGY IN THE MIDDLE
It might be tempting to feel like a failure as a mum when sibling warfare breaks out – hey, we mums are good at feeling guilty about all kinds of things (some of them not even valid!). We invest so much into our kids and their lives that we tend to take it personally when they fall and fail. We forget that they are just like us: imperfect human beings in an imperfect world.
In actual fact, sibling conflict can be a positive thing, although it might not appear that way when the screams are growing in volume and you’re standing in between two aggrieved parties who both want you to take their side.
Sibling conflict often arises out of an expression of legitimate needs and desires. Problems come about when those desires (or the way they are expressed) have a head on collision with the needs and desires of another person.
When TD takes Rosie’s baby and runs off with her, it isn’t the baby that he wants. Usually, it goes deeper than that. There could be a variety of reasons behind his actions, but they often come back to some basic human needs. (And sometimes he’s just being a mischievous big brother who wants some action because he’s bored!).
(Note to self and any other guilt – prone mums: conflict occurs for a variety of reasons. Very often it has nothing to do with my/our parenting – sometimes kids engage in it just because they are full of mischief and want to see some action. Likewise, if I happen to identify needs that are behind a certain behaviour, it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad mum. It might simply mean that my child has entered a new phase of development, and his or her needs have changed accordingly. So I will be kind to myself, and feel good that I am taking steps to monitor what’s going on beneath the surface in my child’s world).
WHAT NEEDS ARE BEING EXPRESSED?
- I need some attention. No one is giving me any right now. I’d prefer some positive attention, but any attention is better than none. So if I steal your baby and cause a fight, I’ll get some attention, even if it’s negative.
- I need approval. I know Mum and Dad approve when you play quietly with your baby. You have something I want for myself, so I’m going to take it from you. You’ll scream and get upset, and then you’ll look bad to Mum and Dad. They won’t approve of you.
- I want Mum and Dad to love me. More than they love you. So I’m going to steal your baby, and you’ll screech and yell, and they’ll get cross with you. They won’t love you as much.
- I need security. Before you came along, I was the only one. Now I have to share Mum and Dad. Your arrival in my world threatened my security, and I haven’t forgotten that. I’m taking your baby because I want to make you pay.
- I want to be the boss. I’m entitled to be the boss because I’m the eldest. I want the respect and recognition that goes with being a boss. I’m taking your baby to remind you that I’m the boss. I’m the one in charge here.
- I need to feel in control. Mum and Dad make most of the decisions, so I will turn my attentions to something I can control. Your reaction is predictable, so if I steal your baby, I’m effectively in control of the situation. And I actually think it’s quite funny to watch you react.
Undoubtedly, there are many other reasons that conflict might arise, but all of these scenarios – ones I’ve observed in my own family – stem from some basic human needs. They are legitimate needs. The trick is to help kids express them in a way that respects others and doesn’t cause conflict.
A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
Sibling conflict is actually a golden opportunity to teach your kids skills for a lifetime. Most of us view it as a frustrating problem or an irritating interruption. WHY can’t they just play happily together? MUST they fight? We get tired of having to deal with it all the time. But what if change begins with me? What if I begin to see sibling rivalry between my children as an opportunity to teach them skills for the future? To look deeper than the conflict and probe for unmet needs?
WHAT AM I SHOWING MY KIDS?
The other question I need to ask myself is: how do I handle conflict? Am I showing them how to resolve conflict in a healthy way that’s respectful of all those involved? Am I giving them a good foundation for resolving conflict in their own families in the future?
CONFLICT MATTERS
But back to the kids for now. In the longer term, conflict mitigation will involve addressing any unmet needs that have become apparent.
- Although it can involve some juggling, spending quality time with individual kids can be invaluable. This one thing alone can fulfill multiple needs – the need for attention, for love, and security. A child with those needs met is far less likely to go to war.
Quality time varies between kids. For Rosie, it might mean teaching her something new in the kitchen, or reading her a story, or sitting on her bed for a chat before she goes to sleep. For TD, it might mean helping him with a jigsaw or a craft project, or watching a documentary with him. Quality time is time that is meaningful to that particular child. It’s usually time that you get to engage one on one. It’s not quality time unless you are present, in the moment, really connecting. Being distracted or in a hurry just doesn’t cut it with kids.
- TD’s need for control of something that’s “his” can be met by nominating him as the manager of a project or task – even better if he gets to ask someone else to help him. He really feels like he’s in charge then. A boy who’s in charge of something doesn’t need to pick a fight. (Not unless it’s over the methods used to get the job done. It has to be done right!) One good outlet for this particular need is to give him his own vegie patch. He gets to make the decisions about it and be responsible for it himself.
- Words of appreciation go a long way to meeting needs of respect and recognition. Good behaviour or a job well done deserve recognition, and kids bask in the moment. It creates a spirit of goodwill, and fights fade away into nothing.
- I need to remember to express love in different ways to my kids, because something that shouts love to one is a mere whisper to another. Gifts are really important to TD. He treasures them, and associates them with the giver, and with love. He enjoys giving little gifts as a token of his love to those around him – friends, relatives, family. On the other hand, Rosie loves to be held and stroked and cuddled. Of course she likes gifts – what child doesn’t? But at the end of the day, a hug says “I love you” to her louder than a gift does.
THE FIGHT AT YOUR FEET
So, back to the fight that is escalating under your feet. It is loud, and both parties are demanding your immediate attention. Clearly, it’s not going away, much as you wish it would. Sighing, you wade into the fray. What next?
- Taking decisive action before a squabble becomes a war can be a great advantage. It limits the damage to family unity, and nips any possibility of physical damage to each other in the bud. It also helps to preserve their future relationship with each other. Sometimes, a warning or a reminder is enough to stop it in its tracks.
- Allow each side to have their say. Kids need to feel heard. If you can’t do that without accusations flying and conflict flaring up again, hear each side of the story separately.
- Insist on “fighting fair.” Set rules for disagreements – i.e. no name calling, swearing, hitting etc – and stick to them. Enforce consequences if the rules are broken. This will be a valuable asset for handling conflict in later life.
- Teach kids to handle anger in a healthy way – and check whether you’re practicing what you preach! Rather than having them lash out at each other or be destructive, acknowledge the feeling of anger as valid, then redirect it into activities that are constructive, or at least harmless. I have a friend who plays tennis. When she’s mad, she whacks the ball with such ferocity that large men get alarmed! But no one gets hurt, and her anger is released safely.
- In the heat of the moment, some time out is really important. I often make TD and Rosie sit on a chair at opposite ends of the house when they’ve been fighting. While I have a captive audience, I take the opportunity to talk to them about their behaviour, and the impact it has had on the other person. If they’re not ready to listen, they have to sit there until they are. They’re not allowed to leave the chair until they are ready to own their behaviour, apologize to the other person, and ask for forgiveness. If they try to sidestep any part of that process, they know there will be worse consequences – the loss of a privilege, for example. I also need to be convinced that the contrition is genuine, and not just an attempt to escape jail time.
- Encourage kids to negotiate outcomes that are fair and work well for both sides. It’s great when they can work it out by themselves! If there is something they want and only one person can have it, we settle the dispute by giving each person a set amount of time with the desired object. Sometimes we flip a coin to see who gets it first. Sometimes conflict breaks out over who goes in the shower first. We toss a coin, and a potential problem becomes a fun way to make a decision.
CAN I GO AND HIDE?
No doubt every family has different strategies for handling conflict among children, but these strategies have proven effective for us in some of the conflict situations that we’ve faced. Yes, it’s hard work. Yes, I’d rather be lounging in a hammock reading a book. Yes, I’d prefer to ignore it.
But the truth is, I can’t. Not if I care about my kids’ characters. Not if I want to equip them with vital skills for the future. Who knows what conflict situations they will face in the future? I can’t neglect these opportunities for training now, because one day they will be forever gone.
So, for now I will shove my sigh of regret back inside and banish thoughts of my book. I will even sidestep my longings for a hammock. I will choose to see this frustrating moment as a positive thing, a chance to invest in my children’s future. I will take a deep breath, push back any angry words that want to escape, and count to ten if I need to. And then, I will wade into the fray. Not because I want to or enjoy it. I don’t. But my children deserve it. They deserve to learn these vital life skills. And guess what? I’m learning too!
Now, where were those earplugs?