The anger radiated from him in waves. It was almost visible. An inappropriate thought made its cheeky presence felt, and I struggled to keep it hidden momentarily. I imagined him as a cartoon character: clouds of steam spurting from ears and nostrils, surrounded by thick black smoke radiating away from him in waves. This man was angry – and with good reason. A so-called friend, taking advantage of his trusting good nature, had cheated him of his life savings.
“What about forgiving him?” I asked, holding my breath in case he exploded. He looked at me like I was crazy.
“Forgive him? After what he did to me? You’ve got to be kidding!” he exclaimed in angry disbelief.
“Actually, forgiveness is your gift to yourself,” I told him. “Think about it.”
The Physiology Of Forgiveness
Researchers have long suspected that holding onto anger and unforgiveness has negative impacts on a person’s physical health, and as it turns out, they were right. Hanging onto anger and unforgiveness affects us in many ways, and the longer we live in this state, the more likely we are to suffer from chronic diseases. Our bodies are not designed to live under these conditions in the long – term. Indeed, forgiveness is your gift to yourself – for your health’s sake, if not for other reasons.
The Body
- Anger produces stress hormones, among them adrenaline – which is great for a quick “fight or flight” response. But living in a state of high adrenaline for long periods of time can lead to chronic stress, which has negative implications for most systems of the body. Adrenaline particularly affects the cardiovascular and respiratory systems as the heart works harder, and the lungs work harder in response to the stress situation.
- High levels of cortisol are also associated with the chronic stress caused by anger and unforgiveness. Over time, too much of this hormone in the body can lead to chronic health problems such as diabetes, obesity, suppression of the immune system, a decrease in libido, and an increase in blood pressure and blood sugar.
- Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline in its task: it stimulates and arouses when there is danger. But it tends to linger in the body, and when released as a response to anger, it can take several hours to a couple of days before the body returns to its normal resting state. When someone is experiencing anger on a regular basis due to unforgiveness, it makes it very hard for the body to ever be completely at rest. Needless to say, this is not good for long-term health and well-being.
The Mind
- Mental health suffers as the enjoyment of the present moment is eclipsed by negative feelings and memories from the past.
- A person who is holding onto anger and unforgiveness is more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety and other mental health issues.
- Unforgiveness often produces feelings of hopelessness and despair, and people are more likely to become socially isolated, fearful, and lose relationships.
- People who hold onto spiritual beliefs and are in a state of unforgiveness often feel that they are not living up to what they believe.
What Is Forgiveness, Anyway?
Many people struggle with exactly what defines forgiveness. It’s natural to think that forgiveness is allowing the offender to “get away with it” and that he or she should pay. But the reality is, the one who is paying is the one who is carrying a grudge. In many cases, the offender is long gone from the scene of the crime. The victim is the one left to pick up the pieces – but moving on is impossible without forgiveness. Valarie Harper defines forgiveness this way:
Forgiveness is giving up the wish that things could be different.
Valarie Harper
Forgiveness Is Your Gift To Yourself
Forgiveness is not about denying that wrongdoing occurred. It is not about excusing the offender or accepting the wrong as right. Forgiveness IS about letting go of the past in order to make the most of the future. All too many lives are blighted by unforgiveness and fail to reach their full potential because they are trapped in a prison of bitterness. Ask yourself how you want to spend the rest of your days – being all you can be, making the most of what life can offer? Or would you rather spend it in a prison house of anger – and potentially miss the best of the future?
When you can see that forgiveness is your gift to yourself, letting go of past hurts takes on a new purpose. It becomes a journey that you are on – a path that takes you from the misery of the here and now to something better in the future. Use it to plant hope in your heart – hope that you can be happy again, enjoy life, and find meaning and purpose in your existence. Remind yourself that the offender has no right to control your future. Nor does he/she have the right to the time and energy spent on anger and unforgiveness. There are plenty of other things you can do with it! Also, remember that you are the only one who can evict the wrongdoer from your mental space – take control and refuse to allow the past to define the present.
What About When The Offender Is Me?
Sometimes, it just so happens that I am my own worst critic. Or perhaps I just can’t get past something that I’ve done that has hurt someone else. The other person might have forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself. How do I deal with me?
If this sounds like you, the solution applies to you even more: forgiveness is your gift to yourself.
- Identify critical self-talk, and take decisive action to replace it with positive thoughts. If you need to, place visual reminders where you can see them. There is enough negativity in the world without us beating ourselves up – learn to be your own best cheer squad.
- Don’t confuse something you did with who you are – be specific about what it is that needs forgiveness. Being obese, handicapped or not good at sports is who you are. Treating someone unkindly for being one of those things is what you do. Make sure it is your actions you are judging, not the person you are.
- Recognize that forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you are accepting something you did is right. You’re not letting yourself “get away with it.” At the same time, you need to be careful that you aren’t using your hurt and resentment as a wall to keep others away. Ask yourself why you are hanging onto pain and anger at yourself. Is it a defence mechanism against further hurt?
- Acknowledge the emotions that go with the source of your guilt and anger and release them. Tell your body that you are letting go of anger, resentment, self-criticism, and fear.
- Reframe your perception of the thing that you did, whether it was something that hurt someone or something stupid that embarrassed you. Rather than allowing it to define who you now are, see it as a stepping stone in your journey, and learn from it.
- Retain the lesson you learned from this experience, but let go of the emotions that are hurting you, and avoid recalling memories that bring these emotions back.
- Remember that forgiveness is your gift to yourself.
Pain With Purpose
Your pain doesn’t have to be without a purpose, nor does your story have to be wasted. Once you are free of unforgiveness, you can use it to help others. Many people are suffering from the wrongdoing inflicted by others, and many don’t really know what to do about it. Use your story to inspire others, so that they too can be set free. Show them that forgiveness is your gift to yourself, and help them to believe that they can also receive this gift. Use your story to bring healing and a caring touch to someone else’s story.
References:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11340919
http://arlenetaylor.org/forgiveness/49-the-physiology-of-forgiveness
http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/adrenaline-cortisol-stress-hormones_n_3112800.html?section=australia
http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/learning-to-forgive-yourself?page=2
It was cute when they were little. Two little boys, blonde hair messed by the wind, flying down the hill in a race to the bottom. They looked like best friends. Adult sibling rivalry? No way! These little guys would grow up as mates.
Those same little boys proved that their rivalry was alive and well, racing each other to the top of the big tree where they had built a cubby house.
“Beat you!” the victor would yell, and that would inevitably set the scene for the next race or the next display of skill or strength. And the next fight.
And fight they did. Their mother tried everything to help them get along better. Sometimes it worked for a little while, but before long, they were back to their competitive ways. Each one wanted to be first. Each one was driven to be better, faster or stronger than the other.
Who Gets the Girl?
Teenage years came and went. This time, the rivalry was about girls. Jealousy erupted on numerous occasions as each sought the attention of the same girl. Rivalry erupted over their first cars. Their choice of career. Each one wanted to better the other. Neither wanted to concede defeat.
Their mother did, though. By the time they were in their thirties, she resigned herself to the fact that they would never get along. Brotherly love would never be a hallmark of their family tree. Those boys of hers were just not going to ever like each other. End of story.
It broke her heart and left her wondering what she had done wrong as a parent.
Family Occasions: Cutting the Air, not the Cake
Family occasions were strained and tense, and the brothers had learned that the best way of avoiding conflict was to avoid each other. Adult sibling rivalry had claimed another family.
Is this the way it is destined to end if sibling rivalry turns into adult envy? Is there anything you can do about it if you are in some way involved in a situation where sibling rivalry has continued into adulthood?
Can Adult Sibling Rivalry Be Mended?
The short answer is – yes. Is it possible to repair every broken sibling relationship? Probably not. Each side has to be willing to build bridges and repair damage, and often that means accepting that you are flawed, that you haven’t handled the relationship as well as you could have, and that maybe you need to apologize.
Not everyone is ready to take these steps; it’s painful and confronting. But even if you think the other side is unwilling to reconcile, there are still things you can do to take small steps in the right direction.
Adult sibling rivalry is one of the most common reasons for family dysfunction, yet it is one of the least addressed. Family members are reluctant to talk about the elephant in the room, or the reasons for it being there, instead preferring to tiptoe around each other, walking on eggshells all their lives rather than risk the conflict of confronting the problem.
Confronting the Issue
Psychologist and author Jeanne Safer recommends confronting the issue head-on and getting it out in the open. Problems can’t be solved when everyone is determined to keep them out of sight. What does that actually look like in practice?
Women are more likely to be less direct and confrontational, resulting in passive-aggressive behaviour, and they are also more likely to talk about the problem. Men, on the other hand, are much more openly confrontational about what is between them, but less likely to talk about it or acknowledge it verbally. So when it comes to initiating reconciliation in an adult sibling rivalry situation, men and women often handle things differently.
Tips For Healing Adult Sibling Rivalry
Look in the mirror
Take a good, honest look at your own part in your adult sibling rivalry situation. What would an outsider see in you? How do you think your sibling sees you? Is there anything valid in that view? It’s often painful and confronting to look at ourselves this way, but if you are serious about mending a broken relationship with your sibling, honesty has to come first.
Be prepared to confront the problem
As Dr Safer suggests, if you are able to, confront the issue head-on with your sibling, and other family members if appropriate. Getting it out in the open can be uncomfortable, confronting, and even downright scary as we risk making ourselves vulnerable and opening up old wounds, but it’s a necessary step for healing to occur.
Speak up
You might be surprised at how others see the issue: it’s even possible that no one knows it’s a problem, and you might find they are willing to make changes once you voice your concerns. Even if that doesn’t happen, getting it out there still needs to occur before you can move on to the next step.
Actions speak louder than words
If you are unable to talk about the issue with family members or your sibling, gestures count: make a friendly gesture that says that you are willing to build bridges. It might be a simple offer of babysitting or an invitation to a fishing trip. Either way, it says that you are willing to repair the relationship. You might need to repeat the offer several times for your sibling to realize that you really do have honest motives.
Express the positives
Think of the things you like about your sibling – remember the good times you had together, and think of the positives they have brought to your life. Then be prepared to express those things. Tell them why you respect or admire them, or bring back some fond memories of things you did together. When compliments are sincere and the sentiments expressed are honest, it goes a long way to disarming a defensive person.
Don’t ignore the issue
Acknowledge that it is painful for both of you, but make it clear that you don’t want a stalemate for the rest of your days. What you do want is to move on to a mutually respectful, positive relationship.
Let go of your ideals
Don’t hold onto what “should have been.” Accept that the past is imperfect and be ready to move on to a future that’s better. Sibling rivalry might have defined your past as children, but adult sibling rivalry doesn’t have to dictate your future.
Forgive
Forgiveness is about letting go of what should have been, in order for healing to occur for yourself. Be sure to forgive yourself, too. Acknowledge any actions that contributed to the situation you are now in, and any blame you hold against yourself. Accept that perhaps your part in this has been less than ideal, and forgive yourself.
Be prepared to make the first move
This takes its own kind of courage, and that in itself will speak to your sibling.
Apologize for any hurt you have caused
This too, will speak volumes and go a long way towards mending your relationship.
Adult Sibling Rivalry: Mended And Ended
It doesn’t have to be lifelong war or a distant relationship where there is little or no contact for long periods of time. But it does require that someone be willing to let go of self enough to reach out to the other person, and to a degree, success depends on both parties being willing to mend the relationship. When that happens, you gain a friend: one who knows you almost better than anyone else. That’s a worthy aim in anyone’s book.
For further reading:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-brenoff/sibling-rivalry-never-dies_b_1184429.html
http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702304724404577291432292777576
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Her eyes were red and puffy, and her face was blotchy from crying. She sat hunched over on the garden bench as if trying to protect her heart. The soft breeze rustled the leaves above her head, and the smell of jasmine wafted up from the bottom of the garden. Nature was doing its very best to soothe and heal this broken soul, but moving on had become moving…nowhere.
“I’m struggling to get past this,” she said, at last, her voice quietly hoarse. “For the first time in my life, I believed I was genuinely loved for who I am.” She twisted a crumpled tissue in her hands. “How long has it been now?” She offered up a wry smile.
“I can tell you the years and even the days and the hours. But I can’t tell you why. Not really. That’s the hard part – not knowing, not being given a reason why I wasn’t good enough.” Silence fell for a moment. “In the end, someone else was better. I never got any warning, no explanations, no way of changing anything or preparing.” Then her eyes became hard. “And I’m ANGRY about that. He hurt me horribly, and he’s the one who gets off free, to go off and enjoy his new life. I’m the one stuck with the baggage. I’m the one paying for his wrongs against me.”
And indeed she was. Unable to get on with her life, moving on was proving to be impossible. Sometimes she thought she was making progress, only to have a setback that sent her right back to where she’d started. Her betrayer, though long gone from her physical world, was stuck in her head, controlling her emotions and making her future miserable. She was desperate to be free but didn’t know how to escape the vortex of pain and anger that kept sucking her in. Forgiveness was a concept she didn’t truly understand, and although she had tried to forgive and let go, somehow the pain and anger would sneak up on her again.
Forgiveness is a concept many of us don’t truly grasp. We think that it means letting the offender go free, denying that his/her actions hurt us, or worse, pretending the offence wasn’t really a wrong against us, or that somehow we deserved it or that our reaction of being hurt is our fault. There are many ways of seeing forgiveness, most of them incorrect – and sometimes perpetuated by offenders trying to minimize their guilt when confronted by the harm they have caused.
When you forgive someone, you let go of your desire for the ideal scenario to have played out. Instead of reality, what you are wishing for is what SHOULD have been – your desire to be treated the right way by the other person. It didn’t happen, and now you are stuck with a choice: to let go of what should have been or to hold on to the pain and anger that are controlling your emotions and directing your future towards more of the same. Moving on becomes impossible when you choose the latter option.
Forgiveness actually has very little to do with the other person, and everything to do with you giving yourself the gift of freedom to pursue a happy and fulfilling future. In a lot of cases, the offender is long gone from the scene of the crime, and may never have any idea whether or not you have forgiven him/her – so why should you allow that person to have the best of you in the future? Why should he/she control your emotions, drain your energy, negatively impact your ability to make good decisions etc? Unforgiveness affects every area of your life – your physical health, your relationships with others, the choices you make, the things you tell yourself, your emotional life, and your future. All of it controlled by someone who doesn’t deserve the space in your head, and may no longer even be a part of your life.
Forgiveness is giving up the wish that things could be different.
—Valarie Harper
The good news is, YOU are in charge of who gets to live in your head. And with some time, patience, and maybe some help, you can evict that wrongdoer from your head and from your life. Completely and forever.
Seven Steps To Complete Forgiveness
1. Acknowledge the wrong done to you.
Too often we try to sweep it under the carpet, but sooner or later it will reappear. Be honest with yourself – some people find it helps to talk about it to a trusted friend. Others opt for counselling. Writing it down could also help.
Whatever method you choose, get it out there. Don’t keep it bottled up, and don’t try to minimize the harm that it did to you. Be completely honest about every detail of the wrong that hurt you. At the same time, be aware of overplaying it. Try to keep it realistic. Take responsibility for any part you played in the wrong against you, and avoid taking responsibility for things you had nothing to do with. Avoid blaming other people – just state the facts. Identify exactly what the wrong was – give it a name. Keep in mind your goal – moving on to a future that is better than your past, and moving on from victim to survivor.
2. Acknowledge the emotional harm and consequences
This is another important step – acknowledging the consequences of wrongs against you. This might be the emotional harm caused by the wrong, in which case you need to identify the emotions you are struggling with. It could also include other consequences – financial, physical, or health related. As odd as it might sound, sometimes positive outcomes can arise from situations that have hurt us, so try to step back and identify anything positive that has come out of your situation. Ask others if they can see something you have missed, and try to look at it from an outsider’s point of view. Remember, your goal is to be free of the pain and anger, and this is only possible through genuine forgiveness, which can only be achieved by working through the process layer by layer.
3. Decide To Forgive
Forgiveness begins with the decision to forgive – a conscious, intentional choice to wake up each day and practice the behaviour of forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness rejects the option to give in to unforgiving behaviours, because a decision to forgive keeps the end goal in sight: moving on with life. State your intention to evict the enemy – the person who hurt you – from occupying valuable real estate in your mind. The process of eviction begins with an intentional choice not to take up a stance of unforgiveness, which perpetuates the cycle of pain and anger that has been keeping you trapped. Forgiveness neutralizes the paralyzing poison of pain and anger and allows you to begin moving on.
4. Emotional Forgiveness
Emotional forgiveness begins when you choose to replace powerful negative emotions such as pain, resentment and anger with positive emotions that are outwardly focused towards others. These negative emotions always have a negative effect on the body if left alone long enough, and you will be doing your body a favour when you choose positive emotions over negative ones.
Emotional forgiveness involves a shift from a narrow focus on the thing that hurt you to a focus on the bigger picture. It’s like examining something under a microscope – what looks huge and even frightening under the microscope might be nothing bigger than a speck to the naked eye when we stand back and view the whole object. And again, remember your end goal – if you fail to forgive, you will spend the rest of your life being held hostage to the wrong inflicted upon you, living with the offender in your head day after day. Forgiveness doesn’t minimize what happened or allow the offender to go free: it allows you to go free.
5. Reframe Your Perspective
It can take time, but you can reframe your perspective of the thing that hurt you. The 20:80 rule suggests that 20 % of the reaction you experience is due to the thing that hurt you, and 80% of your reaction is due to the way you perceive the thing that hurt you. While this is not an exact science, it does suggest that you can reframe your perception of the thing that hurt you in order to avoid a cycle of further pain in the future.
Step away from the source of your pain and try to examine it objectively. Ask yourself how others would respond to the same situation, and how you could start to see it differently – or at more of a distance – in order to begin moving on. You can’t do anything about what happened, but you most certainly can do something about how you see it. You can work on changing your opinion and perspective because you are in charge of what you think.
6. Get Off The Merry Go Round
Every time you relive what happened, it reinforces in your mind the validity of your reactions to it now, especially if you are only remembering the negative aspects. It tells your brain that pain and anger are justified because of the wrong that was done to you. Along the way, your brain will collect and offer up memories of other times that you felt the same way until you are caught in a whirlpool of negative emotions, and you will end up feeling miserable.
Get off the merry go round. Remind yourself that you have chosen to forgive, and refuse to indulge the temptation to relive the wrong done to you. Keep the end goal in sight – freedom from negative emotions. Don’t feed them by reliving past wrongs.
7. Be Thankful
When the memories come knocking, as they undoubtedly will, identify something to be thankful for. It’s an old cliche, but true in this case: clouds do have silver linings. And if you look, you can probably find something to be thankful for in the midst of what has happened to you. It might be a renewed sense of life and hope. Perhaps your experience has unexpectedly opened the door to something new and better in your life. Either way, deflect the negative feelings associated with the memories by being thankful. Focus on the positive, and remind yourself that you are moving on. You are a survivor, and survivors refuse to be victims.
Avoid False Forgiveness
False forgiveness can be identified if we find ourselves trying to forgive, but not moving on. We tell ourselves that we have forgiven the offender, but still feel all the same old negative emotions. So what is false forgiveness?
False forgiveness is essentially a wrong view or practice of what forgiveness really is. It might come about when we tell ourselves that we have forgiven the offender, but we blame ourselves. All the anger that should rightfully be directed at the offence or offender is targeted at ourselves. We haven’t let go at all. We have simply redirected our negative emotions to the most vulnerable place possible: our already wounded selves.
Needless to say, false forgiveness is very damaging. It involves denying, repressing, minimizing, and avoiding. In some cases, it enables the offender to go on offending, under the guise of being “forgiven.” It doesn’t follow the careful process of recovery that genuine forgiveness undertakes, instead often being offered up quickly to avoid further pain. It’s a cheap fake that fools the unwary into thinking they are doing the right thing when in reality it’s just adding to the harm they have already suffered. Genuine forgiveness always undergoes a process. It is rarely quick, and never cheap.
Trust Is No Cheap Commodity
Just because you have forgiven someone, doesn’t mean that the relationship will ever be what you want. Nor does it mean that that person should be allowed back into your life. Trust has to be earned, and it doesn’t come cheap. If someone is likely to disregard your boundaries again, do you want to go through the same level of pain that you have already experienced at their hands?
If you aren’t yet strong enough to defend your boundaries, it’s a far safer option to keep people who won’t respect them out of your life. It might be hard to say no sometimes, but keep your end goal in mind: a stronger, healthier you. Surround yourself with people who support your aims, and keep offenders at a distance. In time, perhaps they will prove to you that they have changed, and it might be safe to trust them, but trust has to be earned, usually over a long time. Forgiveness does not mean trusting indiscriminately.
Moving On
- Allow yourself time. It will take time to heal – be patient with the process.
- Remind your brain of what you want to achieve. State out loud “I am moving on”, or “I have moved on,” as opposed to “I am trying to move on.” Your brain will accept the direct, present tense command and will begin to bring about your instructions. This is a well-known technique used by athletes and other high achievers to reach their goals.
- When an old memory surfaces and threatens to derail you, take a moment to move through the decisional and emotional forgiveness phases again. Then choose something to be thankful for, and focus on that.
- Remember that forgiveness is not a single event, but a daily choice to move in the direction of freedom and healing. You might have to remind yourself frequently throughout the day that you are choosing to forgive, especially in the early phases.
- Look for ways to encourage yourself to continue the journey, and celebrate the little milestones that mark progress. (For example, passing a particular place that triggers memories and being free of negative emotions). Be your own cheer squad.
Free At Last
When you are finally free, when genuine forgiveness has done its job – enjoy it! And if you are able, share your story of your journey from wounded to free. There are many people who are suffering the way you have, and no pain is without purpose. Use yours to help someone else on their journey.
References:
http://lifehacker.com/how-to-forgive-someone-who-has-wronged-you-1671192403
THE SPITE HOUSE
In 1882, a New York City businessman named Joseph Richardson owned a narrow strip of land on Lexington Avenue. It was 5 feet wide and 104 feet long. Another businessman, Hyman Sarner, owned a normal – sized lot adjacent to Richardson’s skinny one. He wanted to build apartments that fronted the avenue. He offered Richardson $1000 for the slender plot. Richardson was deeply offended by the amount, and demanded $5000. Sarner refused, and Richardson called Sarner a tightwad and slammed the door on him.
Sarner assumed the land would remain vacant, instructed the architect to design the apartment building with windows overlooking the avenue. When Richardson saw the finished building, he resolved to block the view. No one was going to enjoy a free view over his lot.
So seventy year old Richardson built a house. Five feet wide, and 104 feet long and four stories high with two suites on each floor. Upon completion, he and his wife moved into one of the suites.
Only one person at a time could ascend the stairs or pass through the hallway. The largest dining table in any suite was eighteen inches wide. The stoves were the very smallest made. A newspaper reporter of some girth once got stuck in the stairwell, and after two tenants were unsuccessful in pushing him free, he exited only by stripping down to his undergarments.
The building was dubbed “The Spite House.” Richardson spent the last fourteen years of his life in the narrow residence that seemed to fit his narrow state of mind.
MOVE OUT OF THE SPITE HOUSE
The Spite House was torn down in 1915, which is odd. I distinctly remember spending a few nights there last year. And a few weeks there some years back. If memory serves correctly, didn’t I see you squeezing through the hallway?
Revenge builds a lonely house. Space enough for one person. The lives of its tenants are reduced to one goal: make someone else miserable. They do. Themselves.
No wonder God insists that “we keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time” (Hebrews 12:15 MSG)
God’s healing touch includes a move out of the spite house, a shift away from the cramped world of grudge and towards spacious ways of grace, away from hardness and towards forgiveness. He moves us forward by healing our past.
Can He really? This mess? This history of sexual abuse? This raw anger at the father who left my mother? This seething disgust I feel every time I think of the one who treated me like yesterday’s trash? Can God heal this ancient hurt in my heart?
FORGIVING JERKS? REALLY??
Take the story of Joseph. Sold into slavery by his ten brothers. Thrown into prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Abused, neglected, forgotten. But circumstances changed, and in miraculous fashion he went from prisoner to prince of the land in a matter of days.
And then his brothers came back on the scene. Hungry, wanting to buy food for their families. And he just happened to be in charge. Could he be blamed if he’d retreated to the spite house?
He snapped at them, accused them of treachery, and had them thrown into jail. “Take that, you rascals!”
Joseph Was Human
Isn’t it good to know that Joseph was human? The guy was so good it hurt. He endured slavery, succeeded in a foreign land, mastered a new language, and resisted sexual seductions. He was the model prisoner and perfect counselor to the king. Scratch him, and he bled holy blood. We expect him to see his brothers and declare “Father, forgive them, for they knew not what they did” (see Luke 23:34). But he didn’t. He didn’t do that because forgiving jerks is the hardest trick in the bag.
But God says…
“Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26 NLT)
“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice” (Ephesians 4:31)
As Christ forgave you, so you must also do” (Colossians 3:13)
Really, God?
SMALL MATTER OF VENGEANCE
A friend was six years old when her mother ran off with a salesman, leaving her to be raised by a good hearted Dad who knew nothing about dolls, dresses, or dates. The father and daughter stumbled through life and made the best of it. Recently the Mom reappeared, like a brother out of Canaan, requested a coffee date with her daughter, and said, “I’m sorry for abandoning you.” The Mom wants to reenter her daughter’s world.
Forgiveness Seems Too Easy
My friend’s first thought was, That’s it? I’m supposed to forgive you? Seems too easy. Doesn’t the mom need to experience what she gave? A few years wondering if she will see her daughter again. Some pain – filled nights. A bit of justice. How do we reconcile the pain of the daughter with God’s command to forgive? Isn’t some vengeance in order? Don’t we deserve to live in the spite house?
Of course some vengeance is in order. In fact, God cares about justice more than we do. Paul admonished, “Never pay back evil for evil…never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God, for He has said He will repay those who deserve it” (Romans 12:17, 19, TLB).
We fear the evil doer will slip away into the night, unknown and unpunished. Escape to Fiji and sip mai tais on the beach. Not to worry. Scripture says “God WILL repay, not He MIGHT repay.” God will execute justice on behalf of truth and fairness.
Vengeance is in Order
Vengeance is God’s. He will repay – whether ultimately on the Day of Judgment or intermediately in this life. The point of the story? God handles all wrongdoers. He can discipline your abusive boss, soften your angry parent. He can bring your ex to his knees or her senses. Forgiveness doesn’t diminish justice; it just entrusts it to God. He guarantees the right retribution. We give too much or too little. But the God of justice has the precise prescription.
Unlike us, God never gives up on a person. Never. Long after we have moved on, God is still there, probing the conscience, stirring conviction, always orchestrating redemption. Fix your enemies? That’s God’s job.
Forgive your enemies? Ah, that’s where you and I come in. We forgive.
Back to Joseph.
KEEP ON FORGIVING: AVOID THE SPITE HOUSE
The brothers returned to Egypt from Canaan for a second purchase of food. This time Benjamin, their youngest brother, was with them. Joseph invited them all to dinner. He asked about his father, Jacob, spotted Benjamin, and all but came undone. “God be gracious to you, my son,” he blurted out, before he hurried out of the room to weep (Genesis 43:29).
Then he returned to eat with them. He seated them in birth order, and singled out Benjamin for special treatment. Every time the brothers got one helping, Benjamin got five. They noticed this. But said nothing.
Joseph loaded their sacks with food and hid his personal cup in Benjamin’s sack. The brothers were barely down the road when Joseph’s steward stopped their caravan, searched their sacks, and found the cup. The brothers tore their clothes (the ancient expression of grief or calamity) and soon found themselves back in front of Joseph, fearing for their lives.
The Spite House vs The House of Forgiveness
Joseph couldn’t make up his mind! He welcomed them, wept over them, ate with them, then played a trick on them. He was at war with himself. These brothers had peeled the scab off his oldest and deepest wound. And he’d be hanged if he’d let them do it again. On the other hand, these were his brothers, and he would be hanged before he lost them again. The spite house versus the house of forgiveness.
Forgiveness vacillates like this. It has fits and starts, good days and bad. Anger intermingled with love. Irregular mercy. We make progress only to make a wrong turn. Step forward and fall back. But this is okay. When it comes to forgiveness, all of us are beginners. No one owns a secret formula. As long as you are trying to forgive, you are forgiving. It’s when you no longer try that bitterness sets in and you end up in the spite house.
Stay the course. You’ll spend less time in the spite house and more in the grace house. And as one who has walked the hallways of both, I can guarantee you are going to love the space of grace.
Source:
You’ll Get Through This
Max Lucado
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She couldn’t believe it. Here he was. The man who had lied to her, used her, betrayed her trust and broken her heart. The hurt was so deep that she found herself in tears nearly every day. She just couldn’t seem to heal. Now, when confronted with the way his actions had affected her, he’d tossed a half – hearted “sorry” in her direction, just to get her off his back. Then he proceeded to justify his behaviour and make excuses for his actions. She had longed for this day. She desperately wanted him to say sorry, to make things right, to repair the relationship. But sorry, when it came, was not enough. She was bitterly disappointed. He didn’t know how to apologize well – or didn’t want to.
When Sorry Is Not Enough
When you’ve been hurt, whether a little or a lot, the natural reaction is to want the other person to acknowledge your experience of being hurt as a consequence of their behaviour. You want them to make it right, to acknowledge wrongdoing, and, depending on the circumstances, to make changes so it doesn’t happen again. You want to see contrition, regret or remorse for the pain you have suffered at their hands.
But why do we often feel that whatever has been said or done to address the situation is not enough? Why do we have this nagging sense that something is lacking? After the sorry has been said, why are we still unfulfilled, incomplete, and disappointed?
Sincerity Is King
For the majority of people, the most convincing apology comes with some evidence that the apologizer is sincere. Most of us need to be convinced that the apology is genuine. The problem is, sincerity appears in different forms to different people. What appears to be a genuine apology to one person might feel totally irrelevant to someone else. Knowing how to apologize effectively means knowing the types of apology that are the most meaningful to other people.
So, is it possible to chart a safe course through the murky waters of apology?
The Five Languages Of Apology
According to communication experts and authors Gary Chapman and Jennifer Turner, yes, it is. In their book, The Five Languages of Apology, they say “…there are five fundamental aspects of an apology. We call them the five languages of apology. Each of them is important. But for a particular individual, one or two of the languages may communicate more effectively than the others. The key to good relationships is learning the apology language of the other person and being willing to speak it.”
So what are these five fundamental elements of apology?
EXPRESSING REGRET
This includes “I’m sorry,” and it what most of us think of when we think of apology. But it goes beyond “I’m sorry.” Someone who needs to hear this kind of apology will also want to hear specifics (“I’m sorry for…”). And the more detailed, the better! They want to see that the apologizer understands the impact of the offence, and expresses regret over specific details. Body language conveys sincerity – they may want the apologizer to look them in the eye while apologizing, for example. They might also be looking for a request for forgiveness. When it’s all said and done, this person wants the offender to identify with their pain and suffering, and show some remorse.
ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
Some people struggle to admit wrongdoing – yet it’s the thing that others need to hear the most. People who avoid taking responsibility have a tendency to place blame outside of themselves – they blame circumstances, other people, and even the weather! Yet, in a situation that requires an apology, some people need to hear “I was wrong” more than anything else. They need to see that the offender understands that what he or she did was wrong. For these people, an apology just isn’t complete without hearing those words.
MAKING RESTITUTION
The idea of “making restitution” or “righting a wrong” is as old as humanity itself. People who need to hear this aspect of an apology want to see something in return for what they have suffered. In the case of a less personal relationship, this could take the form of replacing or restoring something that has been broken or damaged – a possession, perhaps. In a closer relationship, it would also include non tangibles such as taking steps to clear a slur on someone’s good name. And at the heart of intimate relationships resides the question, “Do you still love me?” In a close relationship, this can be tricky, because something that expresses love to one person can mean little to another. It’s important to listen carefully in order to discover the most meaningful way of expressing love, especially in a situation that requires an apology.
GENUINELY REPENTING
Real repentance means to “turn around” or “change one’s mind.” In an apology setting, this means recognizing destructive behaviour and the harm it’s causing to the other person, and making a sincere and determined effort to change. Particularly in the case of repetitive behaviour, an individual who needs to hear this element of apology will want to see positive steps taken to correct the behaviour – including a plan for implementing the changes. (This form of apology needs time to be effective, and everyone involved needs to remember that genuine change takes time, and that failures are likely along the way. Part of the plan will include strategies for dealing with failures and moving on). Nevertheless, knowing how to apologize effectively means demonstrating genuine repentance.
REQUESTING FORGIVENESS
According to Chapman and Thomas, 21 per cent of us need to hear an offender ask for forgiveness. An apology means little unless we hear those words. Why is it so important? For some, a request for forgiveness indicates a desire for the restoration of the relationship. For others, a request for forgiveness is an admission of guilt. It shows them that the offender is aware of the impact of the offence, and that condemnation or punishment is deserved.
IN THE HOT SEAT
If you’re like virtually every other person on the planet (the exception might be a monk who spends his life sitting on top of a pole!), there will be times in life when you have to apologize. Most people don’t intentionally cause pain or inconvenience to others, but in an imperfect world, offences happen. How we handle the situation afterwards has a big impact on our relationships and even our future happiness. Yet many of us don’t apologize well, if at all. How to apologize effectively is worth knowing as it can smooth out the difficult parts of our lives.
Reasons We Avoid Apologies
- Associating wrongdoing with being “bad”, leading to feelings of low self esteem and failure. By avoiding the admission of guilt, the bad feelings are avoided as well.
- An unwillingness to face the need to change. Change can be difficult, painful, and emotionally costly, and some people are unwilling to face the challenge.
- Fear of rejection. Asking forgiveness exposes our weaknesses and failings, and the potential for rejection is high, especially if the other person has been badly hurt. There is also the real possibility that an apology will be rejected, leading to a stalemate in the situation or relationship.
- Fear of failure. Admitting guilt can feel like failure, especially if it involves our moral beliefs or we have let another person down.
- Fear of losing control. Those who like to be in control can feel as if asking forgiveness places control of the situation or relationship in the hands of the other person, and that is a very uncomfortable place to be.
- The relationship is not valuable enough to be worth the bother of an apology. When someone doesn’t value the relationship highly, it’s often easier to let it go than to put effort into working on it.
- The pride factor. Sometimes people don’t want to look bad in the eyes of others, or feel that they have an image to maintain or a reputation to protect. Being humble enough to apologize is not part of this plan, so apologies rarely happenl
- Not knowing how to apologize effectively and fearing to try.
AVOIDING SOME COMMON PITFALLS
If you’re in a situation where you need to apologize (and let’s face it, we’ve all been there!), avoiding some of the common traps can mean the difference between an effective apology and one that is rejected, or fails in its aim of restoring the relationship. How to apologize well is an essential life skill if you want to make the best of your relationships.
Be Sincere
Be sincere in your desire to apologize. The other person will most likely see through an insincere or half – hearted apology, and this could further damage the relationship. Apologizing just to placate the other person will also be seen as insincere or fake. Knowing how to apologize well means being sincere.
Don’t apologize, then blame the other person for provoking the offence. “I’m sorry, but…”(it was still your fault in some way) reeks of insincerity, especially for a person who needs to hear you take responsibility for your behaviour. Make sure you take full responsibility for the offence – and don’t try to pass off the blame to someone or something else. Knowing how to apologize sincerely also means that you take responsibility for your actions.
Make sure your body language conveys your message. Look the other person in the eye, or be prepared to give a hug, if appropriate. These things are powerful symbols of sincerity to some people. It is important to recognize that body language means a lot to some people when you want to know how to apologize effectively.
Don’t give up if you fall and fail. Look at what is at stake if you give up? Your marriage? Important relationships? Family ties? Work? Standing in the community? You owe it to yourself and others to keep going until you succeed in your goals of changing. When you give up after a failure, your apology will be seen as insincere and empty. Knowing how to apologize effectively includes persisting even if you have a failure.
Own Your Behaviour
Avoid manipulating the other person into a reciprocal apology. Accept that they might not be ready to apologize (if indeed they need to), and focus on the main issue at hand: your own behaviour. An apology with “strings attached” often doesn’t feel like an apology at all, and is unlikely to initiate feelings of forgiveness or reconciliation.
Don’t apologize – then refuse to change. Future apologies will carry little or no credibility, and your relationships may suffer irreparable damage. Go all the way. Commit to the process and see it through.
Respect the Other Person’s Perspective
Make sure that when you ask for forgiveness, it is a request, not a demand. Recognize that forgiveness might not be instantly granted, especially if the offence is major. When you demand forgiveness and it’s not immediately granted, it can appear to the other person that you are judgmental and perhaps trying to make them feel guilty for not forgiving you right away. Placing that kind of pressure on the other person will rarely result in the outcome you want. Forgiveness should always be a request, not a demand. Knowing how to apologize effectively includes respecting the other person’s right to reject your apology.
Understand that when you ask for forgiveness, it is no small thing you are asking of the other person. You are asking them to give up their desire for justice, and relinquish their feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger. And sometimes, they have to continue to live with the consequences of your wrong against them. So be patient, and understand that it might take some time to process your request. Also understand that in the end, you have no say in the outcome: the other person can choose not to forgive you at all. Knowing how to apologize also means knowing how to accept “no” from someone who is not ready to forgive you.
HOW TO APOLOGIZE EFFECTIVELY
There is no “magic bullet” that will solve all problems with a few well chosen words. However, with a bit of care, a well – crafted apology will be effective in many cases. There are just a few important points to consider.
- If you know the language of apology favoured by the other person, create your apology with strong reference to that language.
- If you’re unsure about the other person’s language, include elements from all of the languages. Be sure to include:
- I’m sorry, and other expressions of regret.
- Details of what you’re sorry for, paying particular attention to the emotional impact of the offence.
- Pay attention to what your body language is saying.
- Accept responsibility for your actions, no ifs, buts, or blame. Admit wrongdoing.
- Make restitution if possible – this could include physical restoration of an item, or time as repayment for a wrong, or admission of wrongdoing to others not directly involved in the conflict.
- Show genuine repentance by making a plan to change any offensive behavior – and stick to it!
- Ask for forgiveness, without expecting anything in return.
Five Elements of Apology
Thus, an apology that combines all five of the fundamental elements of apology could look like this:
“I’m sorry I swore at you and called you names in front of our friends. I can see how hurt and humiliated you were, and how you just wanted to leave right away. I am deeply ashamed of hurting you, and I don’t blame you for being angry with me. It was wrong on my part, and I have no excuses for my behavior. I would like to make it up to you by apologizing to our friends for the way I treated you, and I really want to change so I never hurt you like that again. I’d like you to help me make a plan for changing, and help me stay on track, if you want to. Will you forgive me for hurting you?”
SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW TO APOLOGIZE FROM GARY CHAPMAN AND JENNIFER TURNER
- I know now that I hurt you very deeply. That causes me immense pain. I am sorry for what I did.
- You were disappointed in me and I feel really bad. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.
- I know that what I did was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse. Pure and simple, what I did was selfish and wrong.
- I repeated a mistake that we’ve discussed before and I really messed up. It was my fault.
- Is there anything I can do to make up for what I’ve done?
- I regret that I’ve damaged your good name. May I make a (public) correction?
- I really do want to change. I know I’m not going to be perfect, but I really want to try to change this behavior. Would you be willing to remind my if I revert to my old patterns? Just say “relapse.” I think that will help me to stop and change direction.
- I let you down by making the same mistake again. What would it take for you to begin to rebuild your trust in me?
- I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. I know it was loud and harsh. You didn’t deserve that. It was very wrong of me, and I want to ask you to forgive me.
- I know that what I did hurt you very deeply. You have every right to never speak to me again, but I am truly sorry for what I did. And I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
WHEN THE DUST SETTLES
Apologies are never easy. They can be painful, confronting, and uncomfortable. No one wants to look bad, admit to selfish behavior, or run the risk of rejection. It’s often easier to ignore the issue.
But at the bottom of our hearts, in the dead of night, it’s there. That nagging feeling of unease that says we need to address the wrongs done to someone else.
I don’t know about you, but I would rather sleep in peace, knowing that I’ve done all I can to leave no scars on another heart.
For more information on this topic:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/
Source:
The Five Languages Of Apology, Gary Chapman & Jennifer Turner (Note: A recent revision of this book is now titled “When Sorry Is Not Enough”)