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The anger radiated from him in waves. It was almost visible. An inappropriate thought made its cheeky presence felt, and I struggled to keep it hidden momentarily. I imagined him as a cartoon character: clouds of steam spurting from ears and nostrils, surrounded by thick black smoke radiating away from him in waves. This man was angry – and with good reason. A so-called friend, taking advantage of his trusting good nature, had cheated him of his life savings.
“What about forgiving him?” I asked, holding my breath in case he exploded. He looked at me like I was crazy.
“Forgive him? After what he did to me? You’ve got to be kidding!” he exclaimed in angry disbelief.
“Actually, forgiveness is your gift to yourself,” I told him. “Think about it.”
Researchers have long suspected that holding onto anger and unforgiveness has negative impacts on a person’s physical health, and as it turns out, they were right. Hanging onto anger and unforgiveness affects us in many ways, and the longer we live in this state, the more likely we are to suffer from chronic diseases. Our bodies are not designed to live under these conditions in the long – term. Indeed, forgiveness is your gift to yourself – for your health’s sake, if not for other reasons.
Many people struggle with exactly what defines forgiveness. It’s natural to think that forgiveness is allowing the offender to “get away with it” and that he or she should pay. But the reality is, the one who is paying is the one who is carrying a grudge. In many cases, the offender is long gone from the scene of the crime. The victim is the one left to pick up the pieces – but moving on is impossible without forgiveness. Valarie Harper defines forgiveness this way:
Forgiveness is giving up the wish that things could be different.
Valarie Harper
Forgiveness is not about denying that wrongdoing occurred. It is not about excusing the offender or accepting the wrong as right. Forgiveness IS about letting go of the past in order to make the most of the future. All too many lives are blighted by unforgiveness and fail to reach their full potential because they are trapped in a prison of bitterness. Ask yourself how you want to spend the rest of your days – being all you can be, making the most of what life can offer? Or would you rather spend it in a prison house of anger – and potentially miss the best of the future?
When you can see that forgiveness is your gift to yourself, letting go of past hurts takes on a new purpose. It becomes a journey that you are on – a path that takes you from the misery of the here and now to something better in the future. Use it to plant hope in your heart – hope that you can be happy again, enjoy life, and find meaning and purpose in your existence. Remind yourself that the offender has no right to control your future. Nor does he/she have the right to the time and energy spent on anger and unforgiveness. There are plenty of other things you can do with it! Also, remember that you are the only one who can evict the wrongdoer from your mental space – take control and refuse to allow the past to define the present.
Sometimes, it just so happens that I am my own worst critic. Or perhaps I just can’t get past something that I’ve done that has hurt someone else. The other person might have forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself. How do I deal with me?
If this sounds like you, the solution applies to you even more: forgiveness is your gift to yourself.
Your pain doesn’t have to be without a purpose, nor does your story have to be wasted. Once you are free of unforgiveness, you can use it to help others. Many people are suffering from the wrongdoing inflicted by others, and many don’t really know what to do about it. Use your story to inspire others, so that they too can be set free. Show them that forgiveness is your gift to yourself, and help them to believe that they can also receive this gift. Use your story to bring healing and a caring touch to someone else’s story.
References:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11340919
http://arlenetaylor.org/forgiveness/49-the-physiology-of-forgiveness
http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/adrenaline-cortisol-stress-hormones_n_3112800.html?section=australia
http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/learning-to-forgive-yourself?page=2